The story as we know it. Or, how most of us do. This going to be summarized and simple. It will not include all of the facts that are known, but what is written below is based on fact.

On February 26, 2012, 17 year old Trayvon Martin was shot and killed in Sanford, Florida. The shooter, 28 year old George Zimmerman claimed to have observed suspicious behavior after seeing Martin leave a neighborhood convenience store. Zimmerman was volunteering that night as part of the neighborhood watch in his community and followed Martin. After a short time, Zimmerman contacted the local police and told them he was witnessing suspicious behavior from Martin. A few moments later there was a confrontation between Zimmerman and Martin that ended in Martin being fatally shot by Zimmerman. Zimmerman claimed to the police upon arrival that he shot Martin in self defense. As protocol he was cuffed and taken into custody until a preliminary investigation could be completed. He was not actually arrested because there was no immediate evidence that his claim of self defense was not legitimate.

Now with that being said, I’m going to provide bulleted opinions on several things pertaining to this incident. I do not intend to come off a racist and if you have formed that opinion of me through this specific post then you have been mistaken. You may agree or disagree with some of what you are about to read. But before we start I do not want you to ever get the illusion that I give a shit about what you think, feel, or believe. I don’t and no amount of arguing with me will sway me. If you don’t believe me when I say this then you are more than welcome to ask my friends and family about what they call “being delusional” and what I claim is the reason I should be permitted to wear a crown.

• This should not and should never be thought of or classified as a white on black crime. Although Martin was a black African American, which we all know and have no doubt. Yet, Zimmerman is at the most half-Hispanic. Not Caucasian. Contrary to what some of you may believe, not all people named George are white and not all people named Zimmerman are Jewish. Good job profiling by the way, you hypocritical bastards. All GeorgesIt took very little research to find out that Zimmerman happens to have a white father and a mother who was born in Peru. After hearing a recording of one of Zimmerman’s phone calls it is obvious English is his first language but he is also fluent in Spanish. Stereotypes aside, he appears to be Hispanic or Latino to me. Not white. Through family and friends’ accounts of Zimmerman’s life we can also easily gather that he was raised in a multi racial family. Not some darky hating, sheet wearing, cross burning hillbilly  incest camp.

Speaking of (input race here) on (input race here) crime. I’m actually disturbed and saddened by the way that both whites and blacks collectively go “meh” every time they hear about a black kid killing another black kid. How about when a couple white kids kill each other? Why doesn’t this make more of a splash in the news and media? Because the media uses the racism that is inevitable from white on black crime and the ensuing rage and controversy to fuel their viewership and raise their ratings. Pathetic isn’t it? What’s more pathetic is we fall for it every time.

• Not every case of a white person killing a black person can be classified as a hate crime. I’m not saying this is or is not the case with Trayvon’s death. There is no proof outside of other people’s opinion as to whether it was a hate crime or not. We may never know the actual truth behind what really motivated this incident. But you have to have some understanding of the human race to even be able to read this blog. So I’m not being unreasonable to assume that you understand that there are black people who are criminals or what you call “bad guys”. The same can be said about any race or classifying factor. Also, when some white person shoots another person there is times when it is completely justified for them to have done so. So with that being said, some white people do shoot black people justifiably and for good reason. The opposite can be said that some black folks shoot white folks for good reason. Naturally there are also folks of any race who may shoot people of another race for a gamut of scum bag reasons, like being racist against them. Hate crimes do exist, but only a blinded retard would argue with me when I say they are far and few between compared to our country’s past. We have come a long, long way in changing that. In a perfect world there wouldn’t be any more hate crimes, but we are humans and we are inherently assholes. The unfortunate truth is that there will always be someone persecuted for their race, gender, age, religion, sexual preference, and physical characteristics. We all fear having to be in a situation where we are on the wrong end of the “hate cannon”. But to not realize that it aims more than one way is naive and simple minded. Not every incident where someone of a different race leaves you jaded can be called an act of racism towards you, regardless of the outcome be it a simple disagreement or death. Unless you are a fat, redhead, Eskimo, hermaphrodite, who is also a Jewish/Muslim and into necrophilia. Because if you are, you should know that we all hate you for who and what you are and we hope you never reproduce.

• Racism goes both ways. To think that being black or any race other than white makes it impossible for you or the things you do/say to be racist is in all actuality racist in and of its self. Some of the coverage of this case has brought forth some of the most intolerable ignorance I have ever read. To the surprise of many (who happen to be retarded) there has been an out-pour of overly racist comments and actions taken by some of the black community. That is not to say that there hasn’t been a good share of comments coming from the ignorant white trash that grace us with their “wisdom” too. What is surprising are the hypocrites who think that being black and vomiting out hateful things about white people is not just as racist as the other way around. Reverse racism (a term I have used before but no longer feel is reasonable, intelligent terminology) is bullshit. Racism is racism no matter what your race is. During the week of research I spent before posting this I was stunned with the ignorant pieces of shit who thought that they should share their ignorance with the world and were using Trayvon’s case as a sounding board to spew it forth. Besides proving that they are racist, they have also given me good reason to argue that some of these dicks should be rendered sterile to protect the human race. So to simplify this for anyone who is too fucking stupid or hypocritical to understand the above…Hate and intolerance for any race other than your own is racism, regardless of what race you are. No racial background makes you more or less qualified or immune to being a racist.

• Thug life? I have mentioned before about how this is a problem for both whites and blacks. The problem with dressing or looking like a thug is that there really are real thugs out there. Dressing like one is essentially playing Russian roulette with the general public’s opinion of you. Should you be profiled for what you wear? I think I believe you should. I don’t agree that you should be judged on the color of your skin. That doesn’t mean that it’s an exact science but we all do it. You’re full of shit if you don’t think you do. As a matter of fact, it makes you a downright lying piece of shit if you say otherwise. For example: if you seen a well groom man in a nicely tailored suit you would think that he appears to be well-off and successful. Or if you see someone wearing overalls and no shirt underneath you’d think they were some kind of back water in-breeder. We all remember high school and I know we all still remember who were “scrubs”, “preps”, and “hood rats” back then. I bet a good percentage of us would be very uncomfortable getting on a plane with someone wearing a turban and carrying a carry on bag. I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if someone dressed like a ninja was sitting on top of my dresser. And the last thing any of us want to see while walking through the woods at night is some dick wearing a hockey mask. Now they’re not all going to be terrorists, hired assassins, and mass murdering corpses. Most likely very few will be. They more than likely could be an ambassador from an Arab Nation, your drunk cousin precariously passed out after your Halloween party, or a Canadian who got lost and decided to just walk south for two weeks. But it’s reasonable to assume that no matter their real intentions they could be exactly what they appear to be. So it’s safe to say when you see someone dressed as a thug, they may actually be one. Could he be just some innocent high school student who wants to fit in with what he thinks is an acceptable crowd? Yes. Could he also be looking to bust a cap in your ass? Sure he could. It’s my opinion that Trayvon dressing like a thug or “gangsta” is just as stupid as Zimmerman assuming Trayvon was up to no-good because he was sagging his pair of Phat Farm jeans and wearing a dew rag. Especially if Trayvon happened to not be a thug. Dressing like a thug and not being one is as stupid as wearing clear acrylic high heels and acting offended when someone offers you $20 for a blowjob. What you wear in our society is how you appear to our society. Right or wrong, its reality and we all do it.

On a side note. I personally subscribe to what I call the “Bee Theory”. If you have a feeling someone is going to cause problems for you, then avoid them. Like bees, if someone or something looks scary, you should leave it alone. Don’t bat at it and expect not to get stung. Dumbasses.

• Why should it be about racism? Whether actions taken by Zimmerman were based on racism, incompetence, abusing his authority as neighborhood watch, or actual self defense. The fact of the matter is that someone died. We are not to be here to judge Trayvon’s or Zimmerman’s actions, unless you are in fact the Judge or a member of the jury in this case. What matters is that Trayvon was a victim of our society and what it has become. The thug lifestyle has been popular for the last twenty-five years. Reaching its pinnacle in the late 90’s. Why? Popular culture. Hip-hop is always going to be part of America’s identity. And it should be. As long as our country’s youth have people to look up to who are portraying (and I say portray because I’ve never heard of a drive-by happening from a Bentley) gang violence and the thug lifestyle as their preference, we will always have kids trying to live that same lifestyle because they think it’s cool (for lack of a better word).  It’s as dumb to me as a Goth dressing like a Goth because they feel it makes them vastly individual, not just another Goth.

• Finally…personally, I feel that clogging up the comment section, news pages and blogs with your opinion is not really helping to remedy the situation. And no I’m not being hypocritical, I’m not writing this blog to change the world. I’m sharing my opinion because for some reason a few of you people actually want to read it. Sometimes it’s pointless and obscene and sometimes it’s a valuable lesson. I don’t intend to change or enlighten you through this blog. Simply entertain. Not that in my everyday life I don’t try to be a positive influence. I am always doing the best I can to do my part and make sure the children whose lives I’ve touched have come away a little bit better than before. I volunteer through my children’s schools and have coached several teams. I always try to not only make them better athletes but better people. A take pride in what I do and I’m damn good at it. In my neighborhood and throughout my life I have always been the guy that people went to for advice and I take pride in that fact. Even though I may not have always made the right decisions with my life and probably won’t always from here on out, I still try to give the best, most honest advice I can to the children who look up to me. Over the years there have been hundreds of children I have coached, tutored, or mentored on some capacity. Hell, I deal with about 60 to 100 children individually every year. I’m also hoping in the future to become more of a mentor and possibly volunteer for a few more of the programs available to help out our area youths. They are all so short on volunteers. I encourage you to do so as well. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing you have helped a child to better themselves and succeed, no matter how big or small the accomplishment might seem. Do your part. Find time to volunteer. On any capacity. It’s the closest thing we can do to stop situations like Trayvon and Zimmerman’s. By being a positive influence on our youth we can help to set them up to succeed in life and become a well balanced and valuable member of society.

Now before I close this on an entirely serious note…Here are some Donkey Balls

• Doug Horning March 31 at 10:27am

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Did that desert sun fuck your brains up? Or is this some side effect of an STD from fucking your camels? How in the hell do you think that your religious and ideological beliefs even remotely portray any functioning intelligence? What’s a day in your life consist of :

1. wake up and have breakfast with out bacon

2. pray facing a specified direction because your god isn’t good enough to be an all encompassing one.

3. burn wife’s clitoris so she can not be so sinfully aroused when you fuck her with your tiny arabic prick.

4. publicly stone sister in law to death for not answering the door wrapped like a mummy.

5. sit at the local coffee shop and wonder which girls are hot and never knowing, because you make them wear 35lbs. of black fabric regardless of the fact that it’s 125 degrees out.

6. film yourself beheading an American contractor for having the audacity to travel 10,000 miles and risk his life to build a hospital in your town.

7. stop at the Saudi Gap and buy a nice, light weight, breathable vest loaded with c4 using a credit card number you scammed off some single American mom on a social networking site.

8. get to wherever you think the infidels are.

9. KaBOOOM!!!

• Doug Horning April 1 at 9:27am

What no comment from the mongoloid gallery?  Fuck you! I hope you martyred yourself.

• 10. Art Modell – Fuck Art Modell! Don’t know who Art Modell is? Well, aren’t you a fucking moron, or you were born after 1996. He’s the fucking scumbag former owner of the Cleveland Browns. The one who took the team to Baltimore to form those ignorant bastard Ravens. This mother fucker needed shot. In 1961 he bought the Browns for $4 million, but this cunt only paid $250 grand for it. He swindled investors and 4 partners into paying for the rest of it and giving him sole ownership and control at the same time. Then in 1963 this fuck fired Paul Brown, a legendary coach with few true equals. What kind of dumb fuck does something like that? He even swindled Cleveland into renting the stadium to him for $1 a year. That’s right a fucking whole buck! Then he moves the Browns to Baltimore. This dick used to pout about how he felt betrayed when the Dodgers were moved from is home town in Brooklyn to L.A. What a cock sucking, money grubbing, piece of shit. I hate him. He was also a socialist.

• 9. Mohandas Gandhi aka Mahatma – This mother fucker was a honest to God moron. Shut the fuck up and hear me out! Pricks. This dolt was big time into fighting tyranny with civil disobedience. Real fucking smart! Nothing makes a tyrant ruler more happy than mother fuckers not listening. I know if I was a tyrant, I would have just killed this skinny prick for causing such a commotion. His father was a womanizing Prime Minister for Great Brittan ( the government Gandhi spent he life trying to remove from India). His mother was the Prime Minister’s fourth wife (the first three allegedly died of accidental injury). At 13 he was forced into marriage with a 14 year old, and had his first child a 15. Sounds pretty fucking sick to me. This fuck was so pretentious he even “fasted” (starved himself, for you morons out there) to protest shit. And can you believe that shit usually worked for him? Personally I don’t give a shit if some skinny assed, vegetarian prick is gonna starve himself because I’m not making him happy. Fuck him. I bet he’s rolling in his grave thinking about how he fought for India’s independence from England, and how India has become so dependent on America for for out sourced jobs. If he was born in the last 20 years he would either be making Nikes in a sweat shop, or answering phones for Xbox Live. This guy was a “D” average student in school. His family sent him to London University where he became a blood sucking lawyer. What an ASSHOLE!

• 8. Browns Haters – That’s right bitches. These ignorant bastards are such fucking shallow fans of their favorite teams that they have no idea that before the championship was named the “Superbowl”, the Browns had won 10 titles in a row. These fucks don’t even realize that most of their head coaches learned how to do their jobs in Cleveland. Cowher, Schottenheimer, Belichick, to name a few. Hell some of the better players in the NFL played in Cleveland then went else where. Yet rest assured fuckers, the Browns even made it easier for you to jerk off looking at the “Big Head” you hung over your bed. Losing to your teams star quarterback and making him the star he appears to be. Browns’ fans are so fucking bad ass that we caused the entire NFL to remove those heavy glass beer bottles and replace them with the much lighter (and softer) plastic ones. Saving you drunk fucks from wrist fatigue. How you may ask. Because we were whipping those mother fuckers at the refs. Now that’s a real hardcore fan base. Not some towel flapping bullshit.

• 7. Toby Kieth – This cock sucker is a piece of shit. This pudgy, curly headed fuck drives women crazy with his gimmicky crap country songs. His entire recording career is based on gimmicky garbage belched out in baritone from this stupid fuck. The worst part about his fame is how his most popular songs are the one where he tries to incorporate the latest “cool thing to say” into his music. The problem is, he’s always late on it by about two years. That’s ok though because his fans are generally slow anyway. EXAMPLE: “Who’s yer daddy”. Fuck this jerk, he’s the fat, ugly, Michael Bolton of country music.

• 6. Reverse Racists – These prize winning anal discharges are nearly the bane of my existence. Oh your ancestors were rich, prominent slave owners so you owe me. Fuck you! Do you know me? Do you have a vast knowledge of my family tree? Or for that matter, was your great, great, grand pappy beat with a switch from it?  Oh, you don’t know? Well me neither, so go fuck yourself. Don’t assume that because I’m white that my ancestors orchestrated the plight of your ancestors. I can’t believe that this shit happens. How many times have you heard, “it’s because he’s black” or “it’s because he’s white”? Too god damned many. All racists are to some extent retarded. Here’s the deal. I don’t give a fuck if you’re some Brillo headed, boot-lipped, donkey assed, collards eating spook. Or some pasty faced, cracker, white bread, honky mother fucker. I hate you for who you are, not where your ancestors came from. Fuck you, fuck your ancestors and fuck your entire family tree. If I come across some one who feels that they are getting oppressed, I tell them to get fucked too.

• 5. Fat People Who Don’t Think They’re Funny Because They’re Fat – Before I start on this one and make some lard-ass swallow a family of bovine because they’re depression eaters and I made them cry, let me explain my expertise on this. I’m fat, check that, I’m FAT. I’m 6’2″ and almost 400lbs. I have been big since I was injured on the job in 2000. I get no exercise unless my wife is in bed and I have to get up to change the discs in my 360. I don’t feel bad for myself because I’m fat, I’m hilarious. Nothing is funnier than seeing me try to put my shoes on in a hurry. With all the heavy breathing and grunting. Fat-asses who get their feelings hurt because someone makes fun of them are retarded. Have you ever seen a fat-ass try to sit in a chair with arms on it? It’s a hoot. But they get all whiny when you point and bring it to the attention of everyone in the lobby. Fuck that fatty. You make me embarrassed to be fat.

• 4. Hypochondriac Full of Shit Parents – Imagine this…you’re at the store and you hear the blood curdling screams of what can only be an angry howler monkey on meth. As you turn your head in the direction of what, by the sounds of things can only be a church choir being massacred. You see a twelve year old kicking the living shit out of his seventy year old grandmother while the parents watch teary eyed. So what do you do? You find a weapon. Your first choice is a 1 gallon pickle jar that you can use as a bludgeon. Just after the child’s last post conscious twitch the parents frantically rush to the aid. But not to the grandma’s, or even yours for the heroic act of putting your self in danger to save the old bag. To the child’sv instead. As they huddle over their demon seed they look up to the now gathering crowd and proclaim in a “pity me” voice. “It’s not his fault, he’s autistic”. Now, first reaction is to pick up that child and beat the parents to death with his body. Might as well kill the old woman too. Fuck it. You don’t want to let her go if she’s genetically the source of this ignorance. Anyways, this is too often the case. In my opinion parents who’s children are unfortunate enough to actually have a problem should be made to carry a list of all pertinent diagnosis. If in the event a parent can’t provide reasonable proof that they aren’t raising their kids to be trash, then you are obligated to stab the father in or around the scrotum so as to keep this fuck from ever reproducing and causing a total epidemic of parental dip-shitery. Although the brains of theses ignorant parents are under developed, it’s extremely unfortunate that their brains have evolved past the point of eating their own young. Don’t get me wrong here.. I love a good autistic kid every now and then, if in fact the child really is autistic.

• 3.Wanna Be’s – Also know as “Wangstas” (white – gangstas) are fucking retards. Most “wanna bes” display an amazing lack of basic brain function. They are characterized as an obviously not black person trying to be a black person. The problem is that they only display the worst stereotypes of African Americans. They walk around with their pants hanging off their asses and hats on side ways talking like Dr. Dre from the early 90′s. What they, and most African Americans don’t see is the inherent racism involved in this. If any self respecting AA was to come across this they should see it as pure, blatant racism. I compare it to when a black comedian (ex: Dave Chappelle) is portraying a white person. In Chappelle’s case he’s obviously displaying the most well known negative stereo types of the average Caucasian to be funny and slightly offensive (which we all know I find anything offensive to be hilarious). He’s doing jokingly, yet in the case of the “wanna be”, he feels he’s making a serious attempt at pulling off a reverse Michael Jackson. As the U.S. becomes more and more diversified we should all come together on the common grounds of stopping this ridiculous phenomenon from persisting. It is, was, and always will be an embarrassment to both cultures. What I think would be fare is this…Since these morons think it’s acceptable to portray the worst of African American Stereotypes then in turn they should be subjected to the worst stereotypes of African Americans’ treatment. I think they should be pulled over while sitting still at a red light. How about getting eyeballed every time they enter a place of business? We should create an covert, bi-racial task force commissioned purely to sneak into the homes of “wanna bes” and secretively stock their fridges with grape soda and 40 ounces of O.E. How would that be home-boy?

• 2. Teenage Internet Hard Asses – Have you ever been in a chat room or forum and had some douche bag try to explain to you that he would kick your ass so bad as to decimate your entire family? Did you notice the horrible grammar and syntax? It’s because he’s a fucking 10 year old who knows that this is the only way he can talk shit to people and not get his ass whipped. I’ve also noticed that any Xbox Live game lobby is guaranteed to have at least two of these prize winners puffing their chest out inside it. Now here is my theory on this…Unless Mike Tyson is on several millions of Live accounts simultaneously, then the high pitched whine of their voices cements the fact that these fucks are prepubescent pansies. I have spent the last five years of my life day dreaming about how blessed I would be to find myself standing in a dark alley with one of these fags. Oh how I yearn to know if I can actually muster the strength to rip the arm off of someone with my bare hands. Ok, enough fantasizing. The sad reality of this is that they will never cease. They will persists on displaying their alpha male dominance for the entire existence of internet communication. The only true way to end their outbursts is to ignore them. Which as you may already know, is hard for me. I hope one day to hear their screams as their parents stomp into the room after overhearing them and whip their fucking asses. But lets be honest. If their parents weren’t worthless then these kids wouldn’t be playing a game that rated for mature adults, or would ever have been raised in such a way as to think what they’re doing makes them less dispensable as human beings.

• 1. Zombies that Can Run – Enough said..

People/family suck immensely. Every fucking holiday has to have the dreaded family gathering. All the obscure assholes come out for each holiday in differing numbers depending on the amount of fucking money you have to spend on them for the holiday. Christmas being the worst. Like the 3rd cousin that you’ve not spoken to for 9 years. You know the one, the worthless bastard who still calls you by the degrading childhood nickname his parents gave you. Fuck him. Or the pretentious uncle/aunt who is so much better than everyone else in your family, that they have to constantly remind you that you suck and that their Diesel Jeans and Hollister shirts mean they’re superior. Fuck those Chino wearing mother fuckers. A $60.00 t-shirt does not mean that you’re cool. It means that you’re a self absorbed prick who has such a worthless existence that you haven’t got anything better to spend your money on. Get a life, and while you’re at it fuck yourself. Then you got the stupid fuck who chooses to spend all year trying to pry a want list from you only to give every family member in your demographic exactly what you wanted, except for you. Eat shit you cock suckers, the only thing worst than the above stated scum are the douche bags who remind you of the price they paid for everything like you give a shit. If I wanted to know the prices of that shit I would have looked at the tags right before I bought the god damned thing that I never wanted in the first place. You also get the kids who wreck shit. Now they could be your kids, or some other dolt’s slobber spreaders who happens to have no idea how to say NO to the little fucks. They throw faggoty little fits and stain at least one thing that can’t be cleaned without a Nuclear Response Team. I hate them the most. Kids suck!

Stupid fucking traditions are the mother of all things that suck my balls. Every holiday you have to do this or that and it all blows. I love it at Christmas when the gifts have all been unwrapped and people want to open shit up and fuck with it. You always have some dumb fuck who says “does anybody have a knife?”. Of course someone has a knife. It’s the goofy fucker who should never be given a sharp object. The fuck who shakes because he’s 70 or the dumb ass who is drunk already at 11:00am. They’ll get half way through the first cluster fuck of tape, quick strips and twisties before “oops, I’m bleeding” come stumbling out of their mouths. Someone ought to give that asshole a necktie wrapped in duck tape and bread twisties, just make sure he’s wearing it before he tries to open it. Or how about getting up early and letting you own children open up their gifts from you, only to jerk them away and rush out the door to the next fucking mess of shit for them to unwrap and not be able to play with. Parents like that should be killed during coitus. The traditional food for holidays may be the only thing worth not cutting your wrists over. Unless of course you have those relatives who make a 25lb turkey and a 20lb ham with all the fixings and give you clothes that are two sizes to small. “Gee thanks, I’ll wear this some time after I get my stomach stapled or start my crack addiction. I hope I get a chance to before this fatty-assed gravy gives me a fucking coronary.”

Fuck the holidays. I want all of you dumb fuck parents out there to spoil the shit out of your kids. Get them the newest video game system and stuff their whiny fucking traps with candy till they puke. I want to be able to step out on my porch christmas morning and hear the entire world’s children spontaneously and simultaneously burst into one of their fucking spoiled bitch fits when they all jump on their brand new and undeserved Wii peripherals, and break the mother fucker.

• “Oh I hate myself because I was fat in school”. Fuck you, you look like a fucking old shar pei dog. Shut the fuck up and have some fucking  butter bitch!

• “I got depressed and started doing meth”. So fucking what, so did I and I wasn’t such a pussy I couldn’t get off of it. I did that shit before it was cool. You’re just a fad hopping pussy. Get a fucking life. Oh wait…I’ve got some right here…you want it?… you do?…..well you got to suck my dick for it.

• “My dad beat me and/or paid no attention to me, so I became a whore”. Oh yeah. Well fuck him and fuck you too. Whats your number?…lol

• “People made fun of the brand of shoes I wore and that drove me to be a successful businessman”. Oh eat my dick. You were a dumb fuck. You’re damn lucky they only dogged on your shoes.

These bullshit sob stories are all jokes. How can you fucking idiots expect me to give a shit about something bad in the past that made you better today. Keep that shit to yourself. You fucking dolts.

These scumbag meth heads of today are a disgrace to the burnouts of yester-year. They’re all a bunch of track marked, burnt lipped, fuck tards living a lie with their happy fa cad and shitty gutter trash reality. They are the lowest form of scum.

Who cares if you want to fuck anything that walks, talks, or smacks the shit out of your mother, just because he reminds you of your pops. I hope you get herpes in your fucking eye. I hope your ass gets pock marked from genital warts and your junk stinks like a dead hooker. When you’re so nasty that you can’t even touch yourself, well, then and only then will I be happy. Fucking skanks.

And you formerly tubby bitches. Hey guess what? I’m fat now and I hate you more for being in good shape than I ever did for you being the fat, flappy, sweaty mother fucker you were. I hope you fucking die choking on a fucking bean sprout you saggy skinned, Alley McBeal looking fuck wad.

So fucking what if you were poor. Guess what asshole. We’re all gonna be poor you dumb fuck. I hope this recession mops you up. Your little success story is about as meaningful to me as a gooch lint. By the way, your fucking shoes still suck. Penny loafer wearing yuppie fuck. I should wrap your fucking head in duct tape and stab the shit out of it with a screw driver. Ya bitch!

You have a sob story to tell? Post that shit as a comment and I’ll rip you a new one. If not you’re a fucking liar and I hope your life falls apart again you whiny fucks. Eat me!

“Hey man, now what the hell are you doing? Sounds neat, hey did you and Amber talk about that goofy shit you keep doing? Oh really, no? Huh? Well we were talking and joking (joking my ass) about it. Yeah she’s all worried and shit about you getting carried away or hurting some one’s feelings. Yeah, just hold off for now, yep. Alright, sounds good.”

These conversations are meaningless except for the fact that you have already identified your wife as the bad guy. This tactic only temporarily saves you. The next step is the kids. Before long you’ll have to discipline your children in front of him. Now this step could be smooth or even skipped depending on how often you have to correct your children. If you are always having trouble with the kids listening then you can guarantee this to be a very painful and rage inducing step. At first you’ll will notice little things like Sam telling your kids to clean up something trivial or to get down off of something. This becomes a more often occurrence as time goes by. The next stage is when Sam begins to play as your back-up. You’ll be barking at the kids and Sam will jump up and join in with his two cents (more like a buck and a quarter). This will escalate to the point where Sam is over ruling you and over powering you. The final stage involves things like Sam knotting your five year old on the head with a knuckle for pouting or tripping your six year old onto his face for running in the house. That’s when you can wait no longer to step in. By this stage you are already being twice as hard on your kids so that he’ll approve and leave them alone.

Usually stage one is resolved like this.

“Hey Sam, come here for a minute. Hey, we’ve been trying not to yell at the kids so much. We’ve really been trying to explain to them what they are doing wrong and then punishing them.” Now this usually is said nanoseconds before you whip around an scream at the top of your lungs. “Get the fuck off the couch that way, damn it, you know better. Quit acting like a retard or I’ll knock your ass out” to your five year old.

The most common resolution for stage two is.

“Dude, I got this. Dude, I’m cool. Dude, I got this because if he doesn’t start listening I’m gonna step on his fucking head.”

Finally. Stage 3.

“Oh damn dude! That’s fucked up!” Then you tell your child to go sit down some where so this doesn’t happen again.

These are not the only things that Sam does. He specializes in dogging everything you own and being rude and disrespectful. He’ll prop his dirty shoes up on your beloved surround sound sub woofer and tie his shoe. When you tell him to quit and that it’s rude he replies “well I didn’t want to put it on your furniture”. What an ass huh? As if he can’t possibly sit down and tie his fucking shoes like every other human fucking being. He’ll come over the day after you spent $10,000 on new furniture and appliances. Complaining about how your new Maytag IR range stove is shitty because it doesn’t cook like gas. Or how you Maytag washer and dryer set is junk because it’s a top loading washer. What about how your $2,900 fridge is garbage regardless of the brand. He’ll even say that the extra money spent on the ten year warranty was dumb because it just meant you would keep this shit longer. He’ll some how find away to make your 47 inch LG 1080p TV not as good as his 47 inch vizio. Or how your Toshiba 1080p 37 inch TV is the stupidest TV to use for gaming or as a CPU monitor. He’ll say dumb fucking shit like “That  reclining chair and a half is junk”, because you got Guardsmen stain protector (oil based) instead of the Scotch-Guard (water based). Even though Scotch-Guard itself wipes completely away with every stain you clean off of it. These are just a few of the things that have happened this weekend. This is all true. The only thing I changed was this friend’s name. And when he leaves…….I’ll always invite him back as soon as possible, telling him thanks for coming up, thank him for helping me around the house, etc…..Then collapse on the floor in relief that he is gone once again, even though  we hope he’ll return.

To this friend “Sam”,

If you happen to read this, don’t be offended. Instead hope that those who have also read this be as entertained as my wife and I as I wrote this. Hope that it helps others to avoid these relationships and live what is already a tough life, with a little less strife. Also hope this rant will help those who are douche bags identify themselves as so. Allowing them to make the proper changes needed to be a real good friend. I know that every friend has their faults. For every positive there is a negative. That nobody is perfect. Yet I also know that they could try to be. I hope you know that I do value your opinion, when I fucking ask for it. I love you buddy. Even though some times I want to stab you in the windpipe repeatedly to see if you’ll blow blood bubbles when I stomp on your chest.

Sincerely,

Doug………..

• Ass-clown                      n. 1. A person who is laughable and detestable at the same time.     2. Some one who is full of shit.    3. A more entertaining form of dumb ass.

Ass clowns are most often encountered in bars and night clubs, but generally they can be found in any place with alcohol and large groups of people. They usually get inebriated and makes serious attempts at accomplishing tasks only to fail at the entertainment of others. They are also known to be “know it all’s”. Often enhancing their stories and experiences with pure bullshit. Fortunately the bullshit from an ass clown is very detectable.

• Cock-suck-er n. Vulgar Slang 1. One who performs fellatio.     2. A mean or despicable person.

Now, we all know a cock sucker. These morons come in 2 very different versions. The first and most sought after form is definition “1″. These morons can be very beneficial. You should almost want to have one around at all times. The unfortunate problem with the first variation is that you never have one around when you need them. Ok, now the one listed as definition “2″ is always right around the corner from fucking up your day. These people never have anything nice to say to or about you. They enjoy being cruel and hurtful no matter what the effect. Though they are most often best to be avoided, they can be very fun to watch in action.

• Dumb-ass                       n. 1. A stupid person.   adj. 2. A word used to describe an opinion of low intelligence in a person.

There just might be more dumb asses in Ohio than any where on Earth. They are known for always making the wrong decisions and choices. To a dumb ass it’s a calculated risk. To you it’s an absolute epic fail waiting to happen. Now, as stated before, there are more dumb asses here than imaginable. Chances are, that you’re sitting in the room with a dumb ass right now. If there is no one else in the room then you’re a dumb ass for reading this by yourself.

• Femme                             n. 1. A male who shows more feminine traits than masculine ones.     2.   The more “girly” female in a lesbian relationship.     adj. 1.   Exhibiting stereotypical or exaggerated feminine traits.

These morons are very tricky. You have 2 variations of femmes. The male and the female. The female femme is quite possibly the most amazing, mysterious, and essential creature on the planet. Many non-femme males actively seek the female femme. Collecting pictures, videos, and an astounding quantity of fantasy like day dreams involving female femmes is almost an epidemic among normal males. Seeing one live and in action is very rare. It happens about as often as seeing a leprechaun bang a mermaid with a unicorn horn in the middle of a grocery store. Now the male version is the a very misunderstood animal. Many male femmes are reluctant to admit that they are femmes. Through experience I’ve noticed the ones who are open about being a femme are being open for no reason. Those ones are obviously femme from a mile away. Recently I had an encounter with an open male femme. I knew upon setting eyes on him that he was a femme just because of how he dressed. Black, charcoal, and silver cashmere scarf, purple high school wrestling t-shirt, and neon yellow, pink, and teal board shorts. There is a kind of fear in the normal male population of male femmes. Many non-femme males believe that a femme male will try to fuck his ass at the drop of a dime. That is completely untrue. Male femmes are notorious wimps, fearful of confrontation, especially physical confrontation.

• Mother Fucker            n. 1.   One who you can never best in most or any way.    2.   One who fucks a mother, typically yours.

Mother fuckers get their name from the fact that no matter how hard you try to best them, they always win. To the point where they might as well be fucking your mother too. When ever in a competition with a Mother Fucker be prepared to have them do it faster, hard, better, and more than you. They are unknowingly competitive, yet relish in your defeat. When ever you come into contact with a Mother Fucker you should punch him in the fucking face when he is not looking. Failure to catch him off guard will result in getting your ass whooped.

Unfortunately I haven’t got the time to elaborate more. These are the most common morons you’ll encounter in Ohio. Hopefully this list will help you to navigate through the endless hoards of morons that roam the streets of Ohio like zombies in a bad movie..or are you one of them!?!