You’re surfing around online and, suddenly, you decide “Hey, wouldn’t it be great if I had a pair of used panties from some really cute chick?”. You click on the picture of an attractive female offering her slightly used panties for a small fee. For a few bucks more you can have a photo and a small note to let you know how great/cute she thinks you are for being so interested in her intimates. Best friends forever, right? You wait patiently day after day for your discreet little package to be delivered in the mail – that dirty little secret you hide from everyone in your life. Maybe you even hide it from you wife/girlfriend/significant other. But have you ever wondered about the authenticity of where these dainty little drawers come from? I sure as hell have. So enjoy, because the secret has finally been revealed. (That means, NSFW, jackasses!)

Cameltoe.  You’ve heard the word, and for most, you know what it means.  Hell, maybe you’re even into it.  The truth is,  everyone has seen someone with one and, chances are, you’ll be pretty hard pressed to not see one again.

Or will you?

Apparently there’s a product out on the market for women, who PURPOSELY wear their clothes far tighter than they should, to hide their (rather unsightly) cameltoes.  It magically makes your vagina meat flaps disappear like Harry Houdini – and not surprisingly, it’s called the Cuchini.   These small nude-colored pads, which resemble the shape of a bicycle seat, can be worn with or without underwear – the latter, which may be the initial problem with having a cameltoe in the first place.

For just an investment of $16.95 this can be all yours – but even better is the ability to anonymously send a Cuchini to a friend!   That’s right – if your bestie is sporting some extra vag cleavage through her too-tight leggings you can discreetly send her a two-pack of Cuchini’s to protect you both from a potentially embarrassing situation in public.  What’s worse than having a camel toe than being seen with someone who has one and not having done something about it?

I like Facebook. It’s one of the few social networks out there that I can tolerate.  The customization and privacy options allow you to shape it to be the site that you want without the majorly annoying quirks of sites, like Myspace, where you are forced to read irrelevant bulletins and get spammed by random people without much of a choice besides getting rid of the user or learning to ignore it entirely.

That being said, I’d like to mention that I’m kind of a social networking snob.  I don’t accept friend requests from just anyone — I have to have known you at some point or have to have something in common with you that peaks some interest in me to get to know you better.  Feeling popular on the internet by having a friend list of 1000+ people that I don’t know does absolutely nothing for me.

I would think that being a social networking snob would save me from the annoyances of certain people but, sadly, there are just some individuals out there that find themselves so damn interesting that they have to let you know every small detail of their life as it happens.  (Last time I checked, I thought that was the point of micro-blogging and Twitter?)

Unfortunately, I have someone on my friend’s list like this, and maybe you do, too – every five to fifteen minutes is another mobile update with a pointless message from a text heart to some cliché famous quote, probably from Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.

(On a side note, I’ve found that people who post the most quotes on Facebook seem to have less of an inkling of what they are posting than the average Facebook user.  It’s as if they are trying to appear more intellectual than they really are.  I have seen the sluttiest females (to put it lightly) post up famous quotes about respecting themselves – and other contradictions to their personalities.  Seriously?  What a joke.)

But back to the story –  if you’re not graced with a message, it’s a picture of them (or a multitude of pictures of them) — same fake smile, maybe different background, maybe with different people — but some kind of picture that contains THEM in it, as if there are no other kind — and they always look exactly the same.

I have also noticed that if you were to go to their Wall, you’d find that no one really comments back to this bombardment of pointless posting (as they’re probably just as annoyed as I am).  If you look through the photo albums, you’ll find that each of the 500+ pictures includes the person with the exact same plastic smile you’ve seen in all of the other photos and you begin to wonder why they take pictures of themselves at all — there’s nothing special about any of them.

Still not following?  Here’s an example:

(We will refer to the person in question as ‘Stupid Bitch’ since, well, this is my article, and after reading this, if you’re not just as annoyed, I’ve failed as an author.)

It begins...One of 10 messages.

Another of the 10 messages - Guess where 'Stupid Bitch' is going?

At the beginning of the night ‘Stupid Bitch’ has alerted me to the fact that she is at ‘The Club’ with Friend #1 and Friend #2.  I know this because she’s not only told me (and everyone else she is friends with) on Facebook, but there are already a few pictures of her and her friends at what’s presumed to be ‘The Club’ on my Facebook home page in her mobile album folder.  (I should also mention the 10 messages she’s spammed everyone with over the last few days telling them all about going out tonight and getting ready for it — I wasn’t aware a night at the club was on par with some HUGE social event.  The onslaught of messages might mislead you to think she has found a cure for cancer and is going to announce it at an American Cancer Society benefit with all the enthusiasm she is posting with.)

OMG Shopping for ONE NIGHT OUT!

Dude, where's 'The Club'?

Now, please forgive me, but I don’t really understand why there pictures up already (she could wait until she gets home or she could put them up tomorrow), but I suppose that most stupid bitches think to take pictures of where they are at as soon as they get there in case they forget?  I know how hard it can be to have a bunch of random guys buy you drinks and you get so hammered that you forget where you’re at.  Good thing you have your camera phone and Facebook to rely on.

Moving on — fifteen minutes later a few more updates and another three pictures, each one pretty much the same as the last, it really doesn’t look like a whole lot has changed — maybe ‘Stupid Bitch’ has moved to another corner of ‘The Club’, has a new drink, or has lost a few articles of clothing — either way, she’s still sporting a fake plastic smile and the two bitches in her photo look a little bit drunker.

Ugh. STOP!

You're making me sick.

Hopefully, at this point, someone has drawn a map of the place on a cocktail napkin or maybe just the club name, as I assume it won’t be much longer before ‘Stupid Bitch’ and her friends become too drunk to remember where they are.  I hope she doesn’t lose her phone or anything – what would she do then?

Another hour later — look it’s more pictures! (Big surprise…)  But now ‘Stupid Bitch’ is outside hugging on Random Dude #6.  I know he’s #6 because, during the last hour, ‘Stupid Bitch’ has posted up five other photos of her and Random Dudes #1-5.  I wonder if ‘Stupid Bitch’ interrupts the conversation she’s having with people at ‘The Club’ to update her Facebook?  Wouldn’t that get old to the people she is hanging out with?  What’s the point of going out if you’re going to be on the internet all night?  I also wonder about who is taking all of these pictures?  You’d think at this rate of photo taking, whoever it is would start charging for their services.

*dies laughing at the fugly guys*

I should also mention, if it’s a really special occasion, ‘Stupid Bitch’ might post up a few pictures of her making out with Friend #1 or #2 (or both) for extra attention. This exciting experience comes much later in the night when it’s obvious that ‘Stupid Bitch’ and her Friends have drank a little too much.  This results in some ‘rare’ comments from one of the old perverts residing in her friend’s list.  I think it must be super awesome to come home to comments from way past middle-aged guys who have obviously just masturbated to your lipstick lesbian pictures.  Hey, ‘Stupid Bitch’ you’re popular and you’re definitely an outside-the-box, unique woman – no cliche to getting drunk and making out with other females or anything.  Holy hell, I’m so jealous I could cry!

Who'd have thought?

It goes on and on like this in a never ending, vicious cycle day after day.

Now what I don’t understand here is that no one comments on any of these photos, except for the perverted old guy who obviously doesn’t see much action, except for ‘Stupid Bitch’ on Facebook or those expensive Russian cam girl chats he drains his PayPal account on.  It doesn’t seem like any of her own friends care, not even #1 or #2, and I know for a fact that I’m terribly annoyed – So what gives?  What makes her think she’s so damn cute that she continues this behavior day after day, posting up meaningless shit for everyone to see and not give a damn about.  What encourages this? She’s not a supermodel, she’s no more successful than any other average female out there, except for her overinflated ego.

We get it, ‘Stupid Bitch’…You party – A LOT.  You think you’re special…You love your phone and taking photos of yourself and anyone who contradicts your lifestyle and is annoyed by your habits happen to be ‘haters’ and/or ‘jealous’.

But look, honestly, get over yourself…Because, face it, NO ONE CARES – You’re not THAT cute.

If you haven’t heard of or watched any videos by Generation Awesome, at least check out this episode from their original series “Bartender Hates You”.  It’s made me reconsider going back to bartending to try some of these moves myself.  It’s guaranteed to make you laugh.

This has to be the best World of Warcraft account cancellation freakout on the internet to date.  I haven’t figured out what is worse – the kid getting naked during his freakout, trying to stick the remote in his ass, or that the entire scenario happened because he lost his WoW account.  Seriously?